There is a philosophy floating around the parenting world that it is necessary to continually say, “no,” to your child to teach them right from wrong. They say it is not necessary to verbalize the word, “yes,” as much because essentially you are saying, “yes” all the time when you are allowing them to do things in which you are not saying no. I understand what they mean by this, because for some parents it is hard to say no. Sometimes, especially with toddlers and preschoolers, it is easier to just give in than to deal with the stubbornness and put our foot down by saying no. So it makes sense to teach these parents to force themselves to say no even when it does not come naturally for them. For others, it is just the opposite. For some of us, we find ourselves constantly saying, no, no, no, to our children.
Sometimes, it can be tiresome, repetitive and meaningless for children to hear, if, that is ALL they hear. When my daughter was about five years old, we were playing a game. At one point in the game she had to imitate a mom. What did she do? She stomped around the room, pointing her little finger firmly saying, “no, no, no!” It was at that point that I realized I was doing something wrong but I couldn’t quite put my finger on how to change it. It wasn’t until prayer, more prayer and in talking to my husband that I realized that what I needed was a healthy balance between correction, (saying no!) and positive reinforcement (saying yes!!). When we think of the Lord, and who He is, we know that He loves us, protects us and has a plan for our lives. Generally, we don’t picture Him sitting up in heaven pointing His finger down at us saying, “no, no, no.” Yes, He is a God of judgement. Yes, He punishes and yes he requires some things of us but ultimately, when we think of God, we think of His ultimate sacrifice and love for us. We want our children to have a healthy fear of us so ultimately they will have a healthy fear of God because in the end that is who they are accountable to. A healthy fear causes them to obey because it is the right thing and because they know, in the end there is a sense of security that they are loved.
What does a healthy balance look like?
Do Not Correct In Anger
If you want your child to know that you still love them, even though you are punishing them, you need to stay calm. This isn’t always easy because many times we get our feelings hurt by them when they disobey. In our hearts, we need to forgive them and not hold a grudge against them for disobeying. If you are worked up, wait until you are calmed down before punishing. The way this works in our home, is we have a certain room where we will punish them and talk to them about what they did wrong. We do not do it out in the open or on the spot the second it happens. It is to the point when I say to my three year old, “you are getting punished,” that he heads to the room because for him, he feels safety and security there because of the routine we created. Yes, he knows punishment is coming but he also knows that a hug and words “I love you,” are in the near future.
Praise Your Child Throughout The Day
Be sure to go out of your way to give positive remarks to your child. Pick a subject that they seem to be really excelling in that day and dote on them about how well they are doing. Take note of any improvements they are making with a subject that is particularly difficult for them and encourage them that they are doing a great job. If you think about the school system, many teachers give the children smiley faces or stickers when they do a good job on their work. Sometimes as homeschooling parents we don’t even think about anything of the sort but I have noticed that my children light up, even some of the older ones, when I give a simple remark on their paper with a simple, “Great Job!” And of course the little ones, love the stickers. Little encouragements such as these can go a long way especially if school time tends to be one of the more stressful times of your child’s day.
Surprise Them With A “Yes” Once In A While
I love this one. We are pretty strict, (hence my need to force myself to say yes more) so if my children want to do anything (I mean ANYTHING) they have to ask. They have to ask to eat anything, or watch anything or play computer games. Generally they know what to expect and what I am going to say yes to and no to but every once in a while I will have fun with it and loosen things up a bit and say “yes” when they were completely expecting me to shut them down. One time my ten year old asked if he could make a chocolate cake because he finished all his school work early. He was totally expecting me to say “no way, you know what a mess that will be!” Instead, I surprised him with a, “Yes! Just make sure you clean up!” He was beside himself. I believe it was a boost in his self esteem because I was trusting him to do something that he wanted to do that I normally would have not allowed. Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in what we expect from our kids that we forget that they are kids. They need the positive encouragement that only we can give them. We are the ones that are responsible for punishing them as well as showering them with love. Don’t ever think that you are overdoing it, they need to hear those words, “you are doing a great job!”
