Our little boy would have been six years old this past week. Instead of being born here with us, he was taken straight to the arms of Jesus. We will forever remember him and think of him. I did hold him and look into his sweet face but my other boys never got that. They only knew mommy was having a baby one day and the next day, she wasn’t.
My two older boys were very young when we lost our baby but they remember it. They could not understand why we didn’t come home with a new baby. This was hard because, not only was I grieving the loss of my baby but my two young children were grieving also. I was not prepared for the outcome. It was surprising and wonderful.
Whether it’s one of your own children that you have lost or a grandparent or a friend, helping children deal with their grief in a healthy way is important. I’ve witnessed a wonderful family lose the mother and left behind two small children and a husband. Their grief was never dealt with at all and the outcome has been extremely sad. I won’t go into detail but it’s very hard to watch them go through life with so many unanswered questions and feelings.
Ways To Help Children Grieve:
- Let them cry- don’t ever stop a child from crying when they are sad over a loss. Crying allows them to physically express their sadness and crying is healthy for releasing certain chemicals that make you feel better.
- Draw pictures or write letters- when we lost our baby my boys drew beautiful pictures of rainbows and sunshine to include in the casket. They knew they were drawing it for that purpose. This made them feel like they had some control over the situation. If they draw pictures of darkness, that’s okay too. It’s just their mood. If they write a letter and it’s tone is anger, that’s okay. Children have to learn how to process their emotions. Anger isn’t a sinful emotion. It’s an emotion that helps to deal with certain situations.
- Plant a tree- this worked for us. We were given a beautiful Yoshino Cherry Tree to be planted with our baby. It’s so wonderful to have a visual reminder of our loss. I know that sounds silly. But having that tree in my yard has helped me so many times. I can visit the tree (not to visit my baby but to just be there). We have picnics under its shade and my boys love climbing to the top. When it blooms in the spring, it brings such joy to my heart.
- Seek counseling- if the child is needing some real professional help dealing with a loss, seek it. There are some amazing biblical counselors out there. Research some in your area and call them. Talking to someone else about their emotions can help them to cope better with their grief.
- Talk about it- don’t hide their grief. Don’t not talk about someone who has died. Talk about that person. Tell stories and remember them. Talk about heaven and how to get there.
- Give them space- sometimes all a person needs is a little space. As humans, we sometimes want to smother people with hugs and attention who’ve just lost a loved one. Give them a little breathing room to process the loss and when they are ready, be there for them.
These ideas may sound simple, but I’ve seen my children become very compassionate about losses. They have helped others through the loss of pets. They helped me through the loss of my grandmother. We actually lost our dog to a very sudden illness a few months ago and my children were devastated. We worked through it together and found comfort in each other.
Everyone grieves in a different way. Let them. Be there when they need you and let them know you are there for them. Children need to know this too. This is how they will learn to deal with grief as an adult and someday a parent.
