Well, it pains me to say that this is my current situation: I am experiencing a miscarriage. So, so sad. It pains me even more the say that this is not my first time experiencing such grief, as I’ve had a miscarriage once before. Two babies lost. Though I am raising 8 children, I am a mother to 10.
In my 19 years of motherhood, I have learned a lot, many beautiful lessons of love, joy, sacrifice, growth, and even sorrow. I realize in this journey of mothering, that miscarriage and infant loss is something that often goes unshared and is difficult to discuss. Unfortuantely, miscarriage can sometimes be part of motherhood and sharing our experiences (as we are able) can be a help to other women, a way of supporting each other through such a painful time. Below you will find a few of the things I am focusing on right now, that I wish I’d known 11 years ago. I think mothers and babies are worth the discussion–when it’s good and babies are born, and when it’s sad and babies don’t make it.
Rejoice with those who rejoice,
and weep with those who weep.
Romans 12:15
Modify
Everything that can be flexible needs to become flexible, including the blessed calling of homeschooling. Now is NOT the time to do all the projects and experiments and the extras. Now is the time to stick to the basics (Bible, Math, Reading and Writing) and to not feel badly about that. There are interruptions to the regular schedule (like doctor’s appointments and not feeling well) that need to be tended to.
If you have older children, now is a good time to pair a younger with an older to do things like reading stories, practice counting, and flash cards. Turn your schedule around and allow the older children to do their heavier subjects during afternoon nap times for the little ones. If everyone is little, then utilize a few movies and computer games that you approve of. Also, accept help from your husband and loved ones in every area, including homemaking and homeschooling. Modify it all for as long as necessary.
Rest
I know it sounds cliche, but listen to your body. Slow down when you need to. Beyond the discomfort of the miscarriage itself, you can also feel generally unwell during the process with headaches, fatigue, and even feelings of weakness.
I am learning to just stop and rest, to literally sit down and set aside whatever I am doing. During these times of resting, do things to comfort yourself: warm tea, comfy clothes, soft lighting, good music, warm packs, etc. Also, explain to those around you that you need some time to just be still–it may be that a family movie or read-aloud is in order. Take a nap or go to bed early. Take it easy.
Education
Educate yourself in understanding what type of miscarriage you have experienced. They are not all the same and may differ widely depending on how far along you are. The length of the process will be different for each woman, so consult with your midwife or doctor to discuss how you want to proceed and what your options are in progressing through the miscarriage. Knowing these details may help bring some clarity because you can have some idea of what to expect.
Ask your midwife or doctor all of the questions. Do not be ashamed to ask. I had no clue at all what to expect–and even this time there are noticeable differences from my first experience. I realized that subject of miscarriage wasn’t included in my conversations with my mother as discussed the wide range of topics concerning motherhood over the years. Miscarriage just wasn’t there–until I had one. There was nothing for me to draw from, no story, no advice, nothing to tell me what to expect. So, ask all the questions and be sure you understand what you need to know.
Grief and Gratitude
This may seem like an odd pairing, but honestly, it helps keep me out of despair. First of all, allow the waves of grief to come, and don’t feel badly about it or ashamed or embarrassed. You have suffered a significant loss, even if it was really early. Grief is a completely appropriate and healthy acknowledgement of what has occured. Sometimes, sorrow comes upon you suddenly and it can be overwhelming. But, I’ve learned to let the tears flow, and to let the moment be what it is. God allows us these moments as a means to release the pain and emotion, rather than have it build up on the inside.
And when that moment passes and you are quiet, thank God. Thank Him for whatever you can think of–breath in your body, apples from the grocery store, your family, books to read, good weather, God’s grace, a blue sky, a song, a cup of tea, your favorite color. Just thank Him and praise Him through the storm. You are likely not to feel like it, because the grief is there and it will take time to heal, but continue to thank the LORD. It will strengthen your spirit and remind you that in the midst of the pain you can still see the goodness of God.
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Psalm 27:13-14
Patience
Miscarriage is a whole process, both physically and emotionally. Being patient and slowing down to process what is happening is so important to your healing. It is likely to take weeks for your body to adjust. Weeks. Hormone levels are changing, pregnancy symptoms are fluctuating, your body is trying to keep up–there’s just a lot going on. Your emotions may be all over the place: sorrow, despair, anger, frustration, exhaustion, nostalgia, mourning, longing. Some days you will feel just fine and energetic, only to feel the exact opposite minutes later. You will have questions that may forever go unanswered. Be patient. None of these things is strange or abnormal. They are all a part of the loss of life.
Again, be patient. Sort it out, acknowledge what you are going through, take time to adjust and know that it will not last forever. Do not feel pressure to “bounce back” or feel obligated to commit to things before you are ready. Take the time to heal, to reflect, to grieve, to recover. Things will get better, even if it is slow-going at first. Keep to your basic daily living, literally taking things just one day at a time, only adding as you are comfortable. Continue to trust in God every single step of the way.
Preserve me, O God, for in You I put my trust.
Psalm 16:1
*If you have ever experienced or are experiencing a miscarriage, you will know that this is an extremely tough season to be in. I pray my thoughts above have given you practical encouragement to face each day as you walk through this difficult time. I encourage you to pray, pray, pray. Read an encouraging verse over and over (mine has been the one above). Cling tightly to the Father’s hand, even in the darkest hours, never let go of His hand. The Lord sees you and you are loved.
(Please feel free to contact me if you’d like to have a safe place to share and/or pray concerning such a delicate subject.)
