A number of years ago, a friend wrote a parody for the Carole King song, You’ve Got a Friend. It was part of a skit for a homeschool mom’s retreat and the general idea was that every homeschooler needs a friend sometimes – “when you’re down and troubled and nothing is going right.” While it’s important to know you have a friend during those dark times, it’s also nice to know you have friends walking daily with you in the homeschooling journey.
There’s a lot of truth in the maxim: the only way to have a friend is to be one. The good news is that there are lots of ways to be and make a friend with other homeschoolers. Like-minded groups where you can share experiences, ideas, struggles, and victories include co-ops or enrichment groups, church friends, those following a particular homeschooling approach (i.e. classical, Charlotte Mason), activity/play groups, or field trip groups. Over the years, these groups can become a valuable source of friends for you and for your children. While it might be tempting to keep your family to yourselves so you can focus and get all your schoolwork completed, incorporating groups into your schedule will yield benefits over the years. My children and I both value the lifelong friends we made during our co-op years.
Nurture the relationships you have. That usually means setting aside some time for those friends and being willing to share from your heart your experiences and to listen carefully to theirs. While it’s easy to gravitate toward those who are in similar situations to you (young children; older children, new to homeschooling, etc.), remember that older, seasoned homeschoolers can be a blessing as they share from their years “in the trenches.” And, on the flip side, you might be a blessing to someone younger who is just starting to homeschool.
One of the unexpected blessings of a significant homeschooling friendship is accountability. Honest evaluation and communication with another like-minded person leads to getting honest feedback in a timely manner. Accountability helps us keep on track or get back on track. Accountability to a friend helps us remember that we will ultimately be called to give an account to our own heavenly Father. In fact, it’s important to remember that this is the ultimate accountability that really matters.
Don’t neglect your most important friend – your spouse. It’s way too easy to get caught up in the day-to-day busy-ness of a home full of little/big people. Your husband might not be involved in daily lessons, and he is probably very busy providing for your family. Nevertheless, carve out some time daily as well as weekly/monthly/yearly for consultations and long-range planning. They’re called “tête-à-têtes” (head to head) for a reason. Put your heads (and hearts) together as you consider your children, your homeschooling day, your struggles and conflicts, your goals.
You may find there comes a time that you have to narrow your friendships for a season, to put some “on hold.” There is only so much time, after all. Declining to participate in a Bible study or a social event might be painful momentarily, but it’s all part of the process of prioritizing your life and focusing on what is most important.
Physical connections (friendships) are important, but our digital age offers another option – cyber connections. You may find it easier timewise to connect online and many of the same “rules” apply – sharing from the heart, seeking suggestions, being honest, and listening carefully. The Internet provides a broad-based community that can be accessed at convenient times. For instance, one mom can access a Facebook discussion group at night while she’s nursing the baby and another mom can access it the next day. Prayer needs/requests can also be shared this way.
Keep in mind the need for caution, however. The anonymity assumed in online interactions is mostly an illusion. Be careful of the information you put in print about your children or your spouse. It doesn’t go away. It may prove almost impossible to remove if you decide at some point you want to do that. You lose control of who sees it and when it is seen. Something posted in frustration, anger, bewilderment, or despair may haunt you for years – well beyond the resolution of whatever caused the emotions in the first place.
As you interact with others in person or online, it’s important to remember that you are not necessarily “seeing” a complete picture; you are “seeing” the picture that someone wants you to see and often it’s a very small segment of his/her life. Be very careful about comparing yourself to others. One of the greatest dangers for homeschooling moms is the Comparison Monster. We look at someone else’s life and we see all the good parts: ideas we want to incorporate into our lives. Sometimes, though, they just happen to correspond to our weaknesses-the areas we know need work. We can easily get discouraged thinking the other person has it all together while we are wallowing in the mire. Stay focused on your own family and situation. Learn from others when you can; appreciate the differences. Recognize that you are probably not seeing the whole picture or that the person who “has it all together” in one area has her own weak area that she’s not discussing. Rejoice with her in her successes. Pull out quality and workable ideas, but don’t chastise yourself for your failures.
We hope you consider us at Rainbow to be your friends. We are happy to help you with product suggestions and to listen when you need to talk through a homeschooling problem.
