Think back to the last time you attempted something and failed. Maybe it was a new recipe, or perhaps the latest Pinterest creation. True story: I once prepared the entire Thanksgiving meal, only to watch the turkey carving reveal the forgotten giblet bag. Red faced, I profusely apologized to my guests.
Failure is a part of life. Intuitively we know this to be true. But how often, do we, in our roles as parents, try to shield our children from failure? Then on the flip side, how often does our encouragement to perform set them up to fail?
Remember the Little Engine that could? Yes, he did–eventually. While a heartwarming story, and even though we each have unique talents and gifts, truth be told and try as we might, we may not succeed at everything we attempt. And it is ok. I have cooked turkey since that fateful Thanksgiving and have successfully remembered to remove the giblet bag! However, the stories of my failed attempts at sewing are legendary. Countless books and classes later, I have mastered reattaching a button and nothing more. I share these failures as an encouragement. An encouragement to teach children to fail well.
What do I mean by failing well? Failing well is the ability to learn from a situation, or from a mistake where success was not the outcome. Whether you allow your children to attempt and fail or seek to shield them from failure, at some point failure is inevitable.
Parents have an awesome responsibility in teaching children to fail well. First, as opportunity presents itself, we can model failing well by sharing times in our life when we attempted something and failed, or sharing a current failure we are experiencing. Authenticity and humility are key to having a strong relationship with our kids. Let your children see you process through what happened and problem solve what you will do different next time. Part of this process is teaching children that not everyone takes home the trophy. You may do your best, but someone may perform better. And this is ok. The goal is to always do your best. This goes back to my Little Engine that Could commentary. Doing our best is the goal, but it may not bring automatic success. And this is ok. (See a pattern here?) Secondly, failing well includes helping children identify their unique talents and guiding them toward their gifts. Identifying talents and gifts really goes hand in hand with failure. After all, how will we know if we are good at something if we never try it? That said, if your child is passionate about the one thing in which they do not perform well, failure can also be a great motivator to hone skills. This internal motivation will often spur them to succeed. Some things take longer to master than others, and some people must work harder than others to achieve a goal, potentially even a goal another person conquers easily.
What should you do if your child still becomes frustrated with failure? What if you see his sense of self-worth crumbling because of perceived failure? While it may become necessary to seek outside support or therapy, depending on the circumstance and age of your child, there are some things you can do that may help them process failure. When our children miss the mark, showing empathy using the following suggestions is foundational. Encourage them to share emotions openly and give them the opportunity to share why things did not go as expected. Talk about realistic expectations are and about setting realistic goals. Although focused on gifted children, this article offers excellent insights for all children. Introduce your children to others that have experienced failure. Men and women have chosen to push on and become successful: Thomas Edison, Steve Jobs, Dr. Seuss, Walt Disney…the list goes on. Watch Famous Failures with your children on You-Tube. Together, talk about what would have happened if each person in the video had quit or given up. How would that decision have made an impact on our lives today? While most individuals represented in the video pushed themselves to excel at their chosen activity, others found a new talent or gift to focus on. Consider Abraham Lincoln who failed in business and political elections, yet was elected to President and is considered one of the greatest presidents of all time! Pick one person’s life to study, someone who inspires them to be a better version of themselves. This is also perfect opportunity to teach kids about perseverance and grace.
Some children are more emotionally sensitive and find this approach too direct. If this describes your child, remove the pressure and talk about failure through the lens of science and experimentation. Succeed by Failing for Kids is an excellent YouTube presentation that teaches about failure through engineering.
Helping our children through failure may be challenging, but it comes with great reward as they learn to fail well. As the mom of a struggling child who needed much grace to learn to fail well, penning this article brought back the rush of emotions experienced teaching him to fail well. Some children seem to fail well with little effort. Others, like my son, battle frustration that rocks their self-worth regularly. If this describes your child, love them unconditionally and tell them often that your love for them is based on who they are and not their achievements. Encourage them to put forth their best effort with the goal of personal best and not perfection. Focus on their individual strengths and talents. And give them grace, lots of grace to fail and brush themselves off to try again. If you feel you have supported to the best of your ability, recognize there is no shame in reaching out for help from your pastor or a counselor. Failing well is instrumental for success through the teen and adult years.
~Deanne
