At some point, parents commonly recognize that their child is no longer a child. They have grown to the place where, by all reasonable standards, they are ready to spread their wings and fly to the next stage in life. There are a lot of emotions that surface for both the parent and young adult during this time, and these feelings can often be difficult to navigate.
“Soiling the nest” is a term that psychologists use to describe the behavior teens often show during the weeks or months before they move away from home. Though this behavior is normal, that doesn’t make it any less difficult for you to handle as a parent. On the one hand you are mourning the fact that their childhood is over and on the other hand you are ready to help them pack their bags! Meanwhile, the one entering adulthood is feeling those same emotions but from their vantage point.
We have helped 5 young adults navigate this stage of life in our home and have learned a few things that may encourage those of you who are about to embark on this journey.
- Try not to take their harsh actions and words personally… and that can be hard! They are processing so many emotions and, in that process, the ones closest to them may get hurt. Be like a duck and let the choppy waters roll. We didn’t allow outright disrespect, but we did let them vent and tried to patiently answer. Realize that they are experiencing emotions of fear, excitement, sadness, and anxiety about this period of change.
- Do set healthy boundaries for what constitutes respectful behavior. Whether they leave for college, find their first place, or stay home for a season, communicate your expectations. Our kids knew that they were expected to contribute to the home. If they chose to stay home after college, a reasonable rent was agreed upon. We set forth the principle that everyone must do their part while living under the same roof.
- Be an example of swallowing your pride and making things right. Admit your feelings. It’s ok to say, “I’m so proud of you and happy for this next stage in life, but my heart is trying to keep up with it all. I’m sorry I snapped at you.”
- Accept that some will listen and learn while others will live and learn. Didn’t we? Now is the time to offer advice when asked and bite your lip when you see them about to make a choice we wouldn’t. Pray for an opportunity to talk about a decision you have concern about.
- Evaluate any holes they may have in life skills. When we dropped our oldest off at her college dorm, I remember having a panic moment of, “Have I taught her everything she needs to know?” The answer, of course, is no. We did our best, but some of what she needed to know would be learned as she spreads her own wings. There are some great resources we have to help cover the basics and we should do our best as parents to help them be prepared.
- Love, love, love…there’s still a child in there that needs their love tank filled up by mom or dad. Let your home be the safe place they can come back to in order to get re-grounded. We told our married kids that we would never show up unannounced in their new home, but they were always welcome to come in ours at any time. We respect their space, but home is home no matter how old they get. The keycode will not change!
- Enjoy the ride! My role has changed to fulltime cheerleader and prayer warrior. When they succeed, I will praise them and when they fail, I will encourage them. It’s such a joy to sit around and fellowship with your adult children. It really is a wonderful season of life.
Well, I hope that readers find at least a few of the recommendations and observations contained in this article to be helpful. When the time comes for your home to become a launching pad it can sometimes get a bit messy, but if we have learned anything, it is that God’s grace is sufficient for every need! ~ Amber
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